Tag Archives: couples counseling

Dating in Recovery

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Thinking of starting your first intimate relationship post-drug or alcohol addiction? The right relationship can strengthen your alcohol and drug recovery. At the same time, dating the wrong person can push you towards relapse. Here are a few things to consider before you start a new relationship.

Build Positive Self-Care Habits First

While you take time to reflect on past dating habits, work on loving and caring for yourself. Loving another person in an intimate relationship starts with loving yourself. Build a foundation of self-love and positive self-care habits before you move on to your next relationship.

One of the biggest threats to a successful addiction recovery is stress. The passion of romance can be stressful, especially for those recovering from alcohol and drugs. Jumping into a new relationship before you master fulfilling your own emotional needs can lead to addiction relapse.

Ask yourself:

  • “Am I happy most days?”
  • “When I get upset, do I keep it in perspective?”
  • “Do I feel just as happy alone as I do with other people?”
  • “Am I excelling at work without feeling stressed out?”

If you can answer “YES!” to these questions, then it’s a good sign that you’re ready for a relationship.

Take Care of a Plant, Volunteer, Start a Project

Once you’ve taken care of your own happiness, try adding on some extra challenges. Taking care of a plant is a classic addiction-recovery cliche. If plants aren’t your thing, try taking on a volunteer project. This can be fulfilling in itself. If you can’t sacrifice a few hours every week to help others, do you really think you’re ready for an intimate relationship? Relationships are time-consuming and can present a lot of emotional challenges. Volunteering is a nice stepping stone.

Before you move on to a relationship, pick up a hobby or start a passion project. It will also help keep you sober and on track with your addiction recovery journey. When you start a new relationship, you’ll have less time to go around. You don’t want to feel like the relationship is preventing you from doing what you love. Once you’ve proven that you can donate time to others and dedicate time to your passions, it may be time to consider dating.

Recognizing Past Relationship Habits

As a recovering alcoholic or drug addicted individual, there’s a chance that you’ve developed some less-than-healthy relationship habits. Before you jump into a new intimate relationship post-addiction, it’s important to press pause and see if you can find any negative patterns that you’d rather not repeat.

Dating instincts are mostly subconscious. The relationship patterns you witnessed your parents engage in can have a significant impact on your dating habits as an adult. If you had parents who were addicted to alcohol or drugs, you might have absorbed some unhealthy dating tendencies. Relationships in the fog of addiction play out differently than when you’re dating with a clean brain and a clear head. By identifying negative patterns in past relationships, your next one will have a better chance of going well.

Avoiding Toxic People

It’s never time to start a new relationship with someone who isn’t emotionally healthy. When you feel like you’re ready, you need to be confident that your new partner will have a positive influence.

Negative interpersonal interactions have an adverse effect on mental health. How do you know that the person you’re interested in is healthy? Take a look at their life as a whole. Do they have a healthy social life? This looks different for every person. They don’t have to have a ton of friends, but they do need to be satisfied with the ones they have. Do they talk positively about life?

People tend to put there best foot forward in the early stages of a relationship. If you’ve only known someone for a few weeks and they’re already complaining, it’s not a good sign.

Start Slow, Love Can Be a Drug

There’s no reason to jump the gun. Take things slow. It can be easy to get too absorbed in your first relationship as a recovering addict. While you were using, you may have deprived yourself of close bonds and genuine emotional connections. Time was spent interacting casually, catching a buzz, and going about your day.

The authentic love of your first intimate relationship can be a drug in itself. In fact, love is a drug — oxytocin to be exact. Oxytocin is a hormone that acts on opioid receptors. It’s activated when you experience emotional and physical intimacy. Oxytocin is influential in the formation of social bonds. The desire to give yourself over to the satisfaction and relief that oxytocin provides can be powerful. Romance has the potential to distract you from your drug and/or alcohol recovery. Your affection should feel like a choice, not an addiction.

Communication is Key

Date someone who is an excellent communicator. Make sure that they’re open to answering questions about their past and answering difficult questions. As somebody working on your addiction recovery, you may have a tumultuous past. Dating someone who’s uncomfortable talking about it isn’t conducive to a healthy and positive addiction recovery. The person you date should be willing to discuss the impact that the relationship is having on your recovery.

Recovery needs to be your priority, and the person you date has to understand that. After all, if you relapse, it’s only a matter of time before the relationship becomes strained.

The High Stakes of Relationships in Recovery

You have to be ruthless with relationships in alcohol and drug recovery. The stakes are high. As your relationship grows, it can impact you in one of two ways. If communication is open and fearless, it can lead to success in recovery and make you a healthier person. If you or the other person doesn’t feel comfortable talking about the hard stuff, it will inevitably strain the relationship and your recovery.

By recognizing past relationship habits, avoiding toxic people, focusing on yourself first, and starting slowly, you can build a relationship that will strengthen your addiction recovery journey and bring joy into your life.

If you or anyone you love is seeking an individual counseling, intensive outpatient treatment program, or are just seeking more information, Stonewall Institute Treatment Center is glad to help. Please, give us a call today at (602) 535 6468 or email us at info@stonewallinstitute.com.

The Impact of Toxic Relationships In Recovery

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Toxic habits like drug and alcohol addiction tend to attract toxic people. When you’re using, you may not be aware of the toxic relationships that are closest to you. Even non-addicts get sucked into emotionally destructive relationships.

This article discusses the pitfalls of toxic relationships in drug and alcohol recovery, how to avoid them, how to recognize them, how to get out of them, and how to recover.

How Toxic Relationships Start in the First Place

In the psychology of relationships, like attracts like. A common thread among addicted individuals is a turbulent family background. Drug and alcohol addiction can stunt emotional development and lead to poor coping skills. You repeat what you know, and before you realize it, you’re in a stormy relationship surrounded by negative people. These relationships can easily threaten alcohol and drug recovery.

Don’t be too hard on yourself! Your predisposition to unhealthy relationships is part of a well-documented phenomenon called assortative mating. It’s the natural process of selecting friends and partners who are similar to yourself.

How to Identify Toxic Relationships In Recovery

The first step towards weeding out toxic relationships is to identify them. How does that person make you feel? Do they help you feel more positive or negative? You’re going to need all the positivity you can get throughout alcohol and drug recovery, and there’s no room for negative deadweight.

Do they take part in destructive activities, like doing a lot of drugs, drinking frequently, and hanging out with the wrong crowd? Other toxic behaviors include stirring up excess drama, self-centeredness, and violating personal boundaries.

To simplify the process of identifying toxic people, see if you can categorize them into one of these five categories: Narcissist (self-absorbed), Underminer (back-stabbing, deceptive), Chronic Downer (depressed, negative), Flake (unreliable), or Critic (judgemental).

Keep a log of how your emotions change when you’re around them. After a few weeks of logging, their impact will be obvious. Making a record of your feelings makes it easier to decide to exit the relationship. The decision will already be on paper and more difficult to ignore.

How to End a Toxic Relationship

Addiction is a toxic habit that can feel impossible to break. Toxic relationships can be equally hard to end. You have to value your survival and ultimate happiness above all else. As you grow into the person you’re becoming, you’ll need to shed old relationships like a snake sheds its skin. You don’t have to stop loving the person, but you may very well need to stop seeing them.

There’s no easy way to end an intimate friendship or romantic relationship, just like there’s no easy way to get clean and sober. Chances are, it’s going to hurt. Keep in mind that your decision to end the relationship could be the wake-up call they need. When you run into them years down the line, they may thank you for inspiring them to turn a pivotal corner in their life.

How to Recover From a Toxic Relationship

In the aftermath of ending a toxic relationship, it’s important to surround yourself with positive friends. Positivity is contagious. You’ll need to soak up all the good energy you can in the wake a painful breakup.

Allow yourself to rest. In the midst of great change, having time to reflect is critical. Give your emotional equilibrium time to adjust. Build some alone time into your weekly routine. Fill that time with exploring things that interest you. Connect with productive activities. When it’s time to build new relationships, you’ll have positive interests to bond over.

Evaluating New Relationships In Recovery

According to Linda E. Weinberger, professor of clinical psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Keck School of Medicine of USC, idealization blinds people to the “red flags” of toxic relationships. You’re drawn to partners due to unconscious or semi-conscious drives that are influenced by cultural and biological forces.

Ask yourself a few simple questions to determine if a new friend will make a positive impact on your alcohol and drug recovery.

Do you feel more stressed around them?
Do you feel needy for their affirmation?
Do you feel manipulated or controlled in any way? Do they come across as jealous or possessive? Are they involved in destructive relationships?
Do they lack productive goals?

If the answer to these questions is a giant “NO,” then they may be a good candidate for a new relationship.

The Effects of Toxic Relationships on Health

When you’re in the midst of a toxic relationship, the adverse effects may be obvious to everyone but you. Toxic relationships can make you distrust the voice inside your head that points out red flags.

Toxic relationships elevate stress hormones. The constant tension from the relationship can keep the body’s fight-or-flight response engaged continuously. This may lead to chronic fatigue, a weakened immune system, poor digestive health, and hormonal imbalances.

The Whitehall II study was a landmark body of research on the effects of toxic relationships on stress and health. Researchers analyzed more than 10,000 people over the course of 12 years. They found that people who stay in negative relationships have an increased risk of dying from strokes and heart attacks. The effects have to do with a mechanism in the body called the CTRA (conserved transcriptional response to adversity). The CTRA is overactive in people who stay in toxic relationships, leading to increased inflammation and low immunity.

Other research has found that hostile relationships can even slow the healing of wounds.

Final Thoughts on Toxic Relationships and Recovery

Toxic relationships can be challenging to identify. It’s critical to your drug and alcohol recovery that you end toxic relationships and replace them with positive ones. Recovery is a time of dramatic change. Not everyone who you’ve bonded with during addiction will be a healthy presence as you move forward. Make a log of how the people closest to you make you feel. If their impact is thoroughly negative, they’ll have to go. Your health and recovery are at stake.

If you or someone you love is struggling with drug or alcohol addiction, Stonewall Institute Treatment Center is happy to answer any questions you may have. Call us today at 602-535 6468 or email us at info@stonewallinstitute.com.

Counselor Scottsdale

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Given the controversy that has surrounded the field of trauma therapy in recent years, it’s important to be reminded of how valuable the work can be–of the enormous positive difference that psychotherapy can make in the lives of trauma survivors. While every trauma therapy follows its own unique course, there are certain elements that successful trauma therapies have in common.

To schedule a Counseling or MVD screening appointment with Stonewall Institute, please contact us at 602-535-6468